The War Within
by Peterson Toscano
Many lesbian, gay and bisexual folks live with internalized homophobia. We grow up in a society that insists that heterosexuality is the approved norm, and anything other than it is not only "less than" but actually a perversion. Even when we did not hear bad things said about gays, lesbians and bisexuals, we have almost exclusively heard good things about heterosexuals while virtually nothing positive about people not heterosexual. We experienced heterosexual lives, loves, and desires prominently celebrated in pop songs, romantic comedies, religious services and billions of images. We got the message that non-heterosexuals were not fully human.
I do not understand why the weight of heterosexism and homophobia affects some people more than others. Some of us actually have taken an aggressive stance to rid ourselves of our same-sex attractions and gender differences. We went to war with a part of ourselves. We called that part of ourselves Our Enemy. We demeaned it, hated it and resolved to destroy it.
For me I turned to the ex-gay movement as well as the conservative Church for the arsenal I needed to wage this war against my gay orientation and my less than masculine presentation. I reveled in the warfare analogies found in Paul's epistles. I allowed myself to believe that I wrestled not against flesh and blood but actual spiritual principalities and powers who fought over my very soul. Seeing myself in the midst of a colossal cosmic struggle for my salvation and sanctification filled me with holy purpose and an inflated sense of self.
After we go to war against ourselves, we find ourselves in the midst of the carnage. We sliced up our hearts. We slandered ourselves daily and did all manner of cruelty to ourselves. Aided and abetted by an anti-gay Church and world, we can now find our souls sliced and diced and in bleeding tatters.
I went to war against myself. Actually I joined someone else's war, recruited to drive out a part of myself even though that part of me did nothing wrong. After I stopped the battle, I assessed the ruin. I remember the first few years before I began to process my ex-gay experiences and the damage they brought to my life. I felt angry and bitter, cheated and deceived while still battered by daily onslaughts of guilt and doubt and fear. No wonder it took me nearly 10 years to begin to feel good about myself again.
I spent nearly 20 years in pursuit of a fantasy. I coveted my straight neighbor's life. I have long forgiven myself for the missteps I took and completely understand why I did what I did growing up in the US when I did. I have begun to forgive those people who promoted and provided a false and faulty product.
I do not desire revenge, rather, I long to see ex-gay providers take a fearless and thorough look at their practices and the lives negatively affected by them. It is not enough that they meant well, which I know some of them believe to be true and may cling to as an amulet to ward off reality.
Society provided gay, lesbian and bisexual people (and transgender folks as well) with negative messages about ourselves, messages that some of us ingested and turned inward. The Ex-Gay Movement then provided us with the tools and weapons to go to war against ourselves.
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Many lesbian, gay and bisexual folks live with internalized homophobia. We grow up in a society that insists that heterosexuality is the approved norm, and anything other than it is not only "less than" but actually a perversion. Even when we did not hear bad things said about gays, lesbians and bisexuals, we have almost exclusively heard good things about heterosexuals while virtually nothing positive about people not heterosexual. We experienced heterosexual lives, loves, and desires prominently celebrated in pop songs, romantic comedies, religious services and billions of images. We got the message that non-heterosexuals were not fully human.
I do not understand why the weight of heterosexism and homophobia affects some people more than others. Some of us actually have taken an aggressive stance to rid ourselves of our same-sex attractions and gender differences. We went to war with a part of ourselves. We called that part of ourselves Our Enemy. We demeaned it, hated it and resolved to destroy it.
For me I turned to the ex-gay movement as well as the conservative Church for the arsenal I needed to wage this war against my gay orientation and my less than masculine presentation. I reveled in the warfare analogies found in Paul's epistles. I allowed myself to believe that I wrestled not against flesh and blood but actual spiritual principalities and powers who fought over my very soul. Seeing myself in the midst of a colossal cosmic struggle for my salvation and sanctification filled me with holy purpose and an inflated sense of self.
After we go to war against ourselves, we find ourselves in the midst of the carnage. We sliced up our hearts. We slandered ourselves daily and did all manner of cruelty to ourselves. Aided and abetted by an anti-gay Church and world, we can now find our souls sliced and diced and in bleeding tatters.
I went to war against myself. Actually I joined someone else's war, recruited to drive out a part of myself even though that part of me did nothing wrong. After I stopped the battle, I assessed the ruin. I remember the first few years before I began to process my ex-gay experiences and the damage they brought to my life. I felt angry and bitter, cheated and deceived while still battered by daily onslaughts of guilt and doubt and fear. No wonder it took me nearly 10 years to begin to feel good about myself again.
I spent nearly 20 years in pursuit of a fantasy. I coveted my straight neighbor's life. I have long forgiven myself for the missteps I took and completely understand why I did what I did growing up in the US when I did. I have begun to forgive those people who promoted and provided a false and faulty product.
I do not desire revenge, rather, I long to see ex-gay providers take a fearless and thorough look at their practices and the lives negatively affected by them. It is not enough that they meant well, which I know some of them believe to be true and may cling to as an amulet to ward off reality.
Society provided gay, lesbian and bisexual people (and transgender folks as well) with negative messages about ourselves, messages that some of us ingested and turned inward. The Ex-Gay Movement then provided us with the tools and weapons to go to war against ourselves.
full article
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